Let It Go.

I've been having a hard time recently. That's a hard thing for me to say. My friends will tell you that I'm an open book, which is true, there aren't many things that I won't say out loud, I have a desire to seem mysterious but realistically that's the furthest from what I am. Anyway, I digress. The past few months haven't been my best months, I'm the happiest that I've been in a long time and yet these past few months I just haven't been feeling like myself and I think part of the reason is because I find it incredibly hard to let go.

Maybe it's the hoarder in me (Yes, I still have those Justin Bieber jeans from Christmas five years ago. I'll never wear them, but I won't let them go) or maybe it's a deeper fear of being abandoned and 'left-behind' like Andy in Toy Story, so to speak, but I struggle to let things - particularly, people - go.

I'm very much an introvert, I find it hard to meet new people and I'm not much of a small-talker (That goes along with the introvert territory) which means that I find it hard to make friends. When I do make friends, I cling. This makes it sound like I'm a psycho-freak stalker who will sit in the corner of my room and cry once I realise that my friends have other friends and then wait until the perfect moment to strike. That's not me at all. I promise. I just mean that it's weird once everything is said and done, to have your friends move on without you.

Take Secondary School, for example. I'd been with the same people, the same friends, the same BEST friend for five years. That's a long time. That's a really long time. Not only did it take me a while to let go of the school when I decided to leave (I needed to make a go of things for myself. I had really bad Social Anxiety back then and I knew that if I didn't leave that school then I would never want to leave and that wouldn't do me any good) to go to a different sixth form but it took me a lot longer than it should have to let go of my best friend.

The first few weeks/months of that year of Sixth Form were incredibly hard for me. Not only was the school an hour away and I had to leave at 6 every morning to get there for 7 so I could avoid the school kids and have a semi-anxiety free commute but I was also one of the only transfers to the school. Everyone else, literally everyone else, already knew each other and had their own groups and they already knew where they fit in. I didn't have any of that. I felt so out of place and uncomfortable that it took me a while to realise that, hey, these people aren't just being nice for the sake of it, they actually want to hang out with me. I ended up meeting three (and more, but I've only really stayed friends with three) of the NICEST and BEST people that I could ever meet and they led me on to doing completely new things and I ended up having the best time in a place that seemed to have no hope for me at first.

I did hang on to my best friend, of course, throughout that period. I wanted someone that I could go back to if anything would go wrong. It was selfish of me, I know that now. The friendship would have fizzled out naturally if I didn't try to keep forcing it. And no, we didn't have an argument, I don't think we've even spoken in about a year, not properly anyway but that's because I've let go now. I knew that I needed to move on, that trying to hold onto the remnants of our 15 year-old friendship as a 17 year-old wasn't going to do anyone, any good.

But this is a new chapter now. That was a long while ago. I've since made friends that are really good friends for me, and to me. I've held onto those three friends that I made in Sixth Form who I know aren't going to read this post (Hello! To the spirits of those friends). I've made more friends through 5SOS and other bands and Hey! Blogging! and I feel great. But with that comes another struggle for me. Those three friends are off to university in September. Less than a month away. And some other friends are going off on their new adventure* while I'm here in big ol' rainy London. This isn't a guilt trip. I'm so happy and stoked and proud and every other positive adjective you could think of that my pals are going off on their own. Yeah, it'll be hard not seeing them as much and knowing that they're having fun without me, but I know that we'll still be friends by the time they come back. And if not, well at least I know to let it die naturally.

SPREAD YOUR WINGS, HUMAN FRIENDS. I LOVE U.

*AKA Georgia who is moving to Paris for the year. Fucking Paris. PARIS. I mean, I already have plans to visit her Disney, but that's not the point. FUCKING PARIS.

This post was a lot more personal than I usually go and I'm really nervous to post this. I hope you enjoy. If you liked this post and enjoyed an insight into my feelings then let me know and if you never want to see a post like this ever again please also let me know!